Parenting my delightfully gay child through his elementary years has felt like steering a ship through uncharted waters. I have met plenty of parents of gay kids, but their kids came out in middle school or high school or as adults. We know a lot of gay teenagers, and my son has had some gay teenagers in his life as mentors, but he has not had peers.
This year, he started middle school, and finally, we feel like we are coming in to port, with some other ships on the horizon.
The middle school my son started at this year has a Gay Straight Alliance. The sixth graders eat lunch separately from the seventh and eighth graders, so unfortunately, the sixth grade club is not really established yet, but they have a lot of guidance from the sixth grade counsellor, whom my son is developing quite the bond with. The first day of the club, my son showed up, and there was only one other student there, Jack, a boy my son knows from band class.
“Well, at least now you know at least one other kid on campus who is also gay,” I pointed out, and my son, who is far more politically correct than I will ever be, reminds me, “Mom, I can’t make assumptions. He might just be an ally. Maybe he came because his parents are gay, or his older sibling is gay, or something like that.” I pointed out that even if that is true, it is nice to know a supportive friend on campus, regardless of the reason.
The next week was Halloween. Jack came to school dressed as a rainbow unicorn. “Do you think that means he is actually gay?” my son asked me. “I think it means he is gay and has a sense of humor too,” I replied. The next day, six people showed up to the GSA meeting. The six of them worked together to write an announcement for the morning announcements to encourage people to come to their club.
My son agreed to take notes and type them up to send to the teacher.
Being gay is just a tiny part of who my son is, but it is a part that made him feel completely different from everyone he knew for several years. I think now we see the light at the end of the tunnel.
They are making a Broadway musical of Dreamworks' movie The Prince of Egypt. It's in previews where we live before they attempt to bring it to Broadway. My son really wanted to go, so I took him last night. (Mind you, for those who have lost track, my delightful gay son is now 11).
Stephen Schwartz wrote new music for the musical, and in the middle of the first act, there is a scene where Moses tells Ramses that he is a Hebrew. Ramses first reaction is, "No one must know." My son leans over to me during this scene and whispers, "It's like his 'coming out of the closet' moment." I cannot tell you how profoundly this impacted me.
I don't know if this feeling was intentional or not, but it sure seems like it was. There is no Biblical evidence to suggest that Moses' adoption was a secret, so I doubt there was ever a real moment like this, which just leads me to think the directing parallel was intentional for the impact it would have on modern audience.
The song in the scene contributes all that much more. Ramses is singing, "I Will Make It Right," while Moses sings back to him a different song, "No Power on Earth."
There is so much about this that just strikes me as profound. Moses knows he is a Hebrew in his blood, and he cannot escape it, despite being raised in the Egyptian court. Just like gay kids raised in straight homes in heteronormative communities know it in their blood. They know that "no power on earth" could change it, as Ramses is singing about how he will make it right, about how they can hide it, when Moses so clearly knows it cannot be hidden. Ultimately, however, you see in Ramses that he just loves Moses. The stage is a raked stage on which director Scott Schwartz does something really interesting with this scene: he puts Moses' back to the audience, downstage, so we get 100% of Ramses reaction. It reminded me so much of my own reaction.
My son has not grown up with a lot of closets, but when he found words to describe a truth of his desires for his future, for me and my husband, our first reaction really was, "No one must know." We accepted our son, and it didn't change anything about how we viewed him, but there was so much fear for all it might mean, that our reactions were centered in fear.
I re-read the Biblical text today and thought about the idea of God-breathed scripture. If the story of the Exodus is not literal, which history suggests it is not, then it is, like the rest of scripture, a story God uses to teach us things. Among those things, in my mind, is the notion that some of us are born with differences that make us unique, different from the majority, different from the culture of power, and sometimes different from people we love. Sometimes it is possible to hide those differences. They are things that no one has to know. But people don't live their best lives when they live hiding those differences.
Is being gay a choice? No, not any more than Moses' Hebrew blood was a choice.
But is living gay a choice. Yes.
We all have a choice on how we live.
Psalm 139:13-14 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well."
As we find our awareness of our inmost being, we can live that life, or we can choose an easier life. Would a life of celibacy, or a life of faking heterosexuality be "easier" for a gay person? In some ways, probably. For a young person who will be kicked out of their house if they come out, then yes, I imagine keeping secrets is probably a little easier.
Moses chose to be the leader of the Hebrew people. It was not the easy path, by any means, but I think the lesson there is clear -- when you choose to be who you are, God honors that.
I would not. If you had asked me this three years ago, I might have a different answer, but as of today, I know for sure... I am so incredibly happy to have a gay son. I hate that the world doesn't see his value, but I love everything about him. I don't love him "in spite" of being gay, I love everything about who he is, and being gay is at the core fabric of who he is.
This post is inspired by three things. #1) Primarily, this TED talk.
I have read a lot of the research he is referring to, particularly the parts about pre-natal stress, and there are times that this has really gotten to me. I love my son dearly, and I truly wouldn't want him to be any other way, as it really is a key element of his personality, and there are parts of me that feel so frightened for him to grown up gay in this world today, and to think that my stress levels likely caused it.... yikes. I was a college student trying to finish my degree, so I was working part-time. The same month we found I out I was pregnant, my husband left his long-term job pastoring at a church (we left, ironically enough, over conflicts with their stance on homosexuality, as many parents in the church were angry that we had gay friends whom their children had met) in faith that God would provide a better situation, even though he didn't have one lined up. (And didn't find another good situation until I was 8 months pregnant). When I was 14 weeks along, my husband's only living grandmother, with whom he and I were both close, had a stroke. After 6 long painful weeks in hospice, she passed away. It was a really crappy time in our lives. We were broke. We were stressed. It was emotional. But I LOVE the part of this TedTalk where he says, "It's like the mother's body was saying, 'I need a kind and clever ally to help me hold this family together.'" What a perfect, perfect definition. My daughter is my sassy pants buddy. But my son... he is my kind and clever ally. Being a minister's wife is hard. My husband is busy with youth ministry a lot at night. Tonight, my son saw I was busy on the phone comforting his aunt who is undergoing some testing for her son who might have autism. So he made his own lunch and his sister's lunch for the next day, because my husband or I usually do that. He wants to help out. He is my kind and clever ally. He listens in on my conversations and eavesdrops (which drives me crazy half the time) because he wants to know what is going on with everyone because he just cares so much. Gosh I am lucky.... "nature" (a.k.a. GOD) sure is awesome.
#2) I've started watching The Real O'Neals.
The writers of this show really get it. The protagonist says all the things I have come to understand: he cannot change who he is. He still loves God. And that is not a paradox. And it is awesome. He doesn't want it any other way.
#3) Calendar Shopping
Every year, my husband sells these calendars at church that are nature pictures with bible verses. We end up buying a leftover as our calendar for our kitchen. I'm sick of it. I just don't want a Bible verse calendar. Too cliche. And my kitchen is more colorful than that. We are more colorful people. We are... edgy.
We didn't get a calendar as a gift this year, but there is a part of my wall that needs a calendar... and I wanted one that was US. Edgy. Colorful. Funny. Something that would make us smile. So, I looked up a bunch on amazon and was sitting at the table showing my husband. Of course my eavesdropping son wants in on it. He overhears my argument for the "Hot Dudes Reading" calendar, which he googled on his tablet, and then was like, "Yeah! Let's get that one." Even my six-year-old daughter was like, "Yes!" She is a big book nerd like me. And the boys are cute. My son made a quick plea for "Hot Guys and Baby Animals," but he vetoed it himself fairly quickly, "Oh no, some of the pictures are without shirts, and that isn't really appropriate for the kitchen." We were back to "Hot Dudes Reading," and my husband, who was arguing for a "We Live in a Beautiful World," exclaims, "Oh no, I am outnumbered here!" and he looks at the three of us. This was about more than the calendar. My son and daughter and I had a moment where we giggled and inside... I felt all warm and tingly. Haha.
While my husband and I continued to debate the few on the screen, my son giggles, "Haha, there's a 'Nuns Having Fun' calendar." Turns out that "Nuns Having Fun" tickled all of us. Okay, my daughter wasn't thrilled, but my husband and I both loved it. (The Hot Dudes Reading one is also mostly unavailable, so it is like $100. Ooops). And we are the ones who pay the bills around here, so, for the next 12 months, "Nuns Having Fun" will remind us what month we are in.
I adore my son and his quirky personality. I love everything about him.
(Incidentally... I have included links in this post, but I have not monetized this blog at all. I get no money if you click these links).
I am sure this is not a problem unique to raising a gay son.... but it puts a unique spin on it.
**** Context (for anyone new or who doesn't remember).... my gay son is 10 years old *****
There is a girl in my son's class who is frequently chasing him. I cannot believe that at 10 and 11 years old they are still engaging in this incredibly primitive form of flirting, but that's clearly what it is. This is really bothering my son. Earlier in the year, when she kept grabbing him and chasing him, he spit at her to get him to stop. He of course got in trouble for spitting at her, but didn't tell anyone that she wouldn't stop chasing him.
Girl keeps chasing him. I ask, "So, what if she 'catches' you? If you don't run, she can't chase you." He says she grabs him and holds onto him, and he hates it.... but of course he hasn't actually clearly said to her, "Leave me alone!" I ask why. He doesn't know. I think he is just trying so hard to fly below the radar.
He has been picked on in the past as being "gay," but he isn't flamboyanty "out" at school - he's only ten and he is on the shy side. I think perhaps he is afraid that if he seems uninterested in female affection people will figure out that he's gay? I don't know. It just seems that this element of his identity makes everything complicated. When a teenage girl at Broadway camp teased him once about having a crush on her, he freaked out. He didn't know what to do because he was afraid that denying it would = gay, but while doesn't want them to think he is gay, he doesn't want to just play along because, well, it's not true, and he doesn't want to be in the closet and hide either. That's not who he is. Sigh. He just makes this stuff so complicated. I've tried to explain teasing and flirting in the past and that it's just a normal part of life. It all frustrates him.
I finally just emailed the teacher tonight. Teacher is awesome and emailed me back right away. She and I both agree it is important my son learn to speak up when stuff is bothering him. I'm glad he feels safe at home, but he needs to find his own voice. He can't be relying on me in middle school, and he starts middle school next year.
My husband and I had a long talk with him tonight about growing up and flirting. Pretty much the next ten to twenty years of his life are going to involve a lot of giving of attention and receiving of attention, some of it physical, some of it in other forms. And it is important to know how to deal with it.
My husband is great. He knew just what to say, "Are there any boys you like?" There is. One. So my husband says, "What if it was him doing it? How would you feel then? What would you do?" My son blushes and says, "I'd kind of like it. I would probably grab him back." Exactly. How do we figure out who likes us and who doesn't? Flirting. But it is important to send clear signals. And my son does not send clear signals. He runs.
So, we explained the importance of saying "Stop. I do not like that. I don't want you to grab me. I don't want you to chase me. You need to leave me alone."
I think this is just a lesson more parents need to teach kids. I think we have all become so concerned with teaching our kids not to hurt other kids' feelings that we have forgotten to teach them that it's okay to say "Stop. I appreciate your attention, but it is unwanted attention right now, and I would like to be left alone."
In the musical Ragtime, at the beginning of the first act, the father is leaving on an expedition to the North Pole. As he says goodbye to his family, he says, "It's only a year. Nothing much happens in a year. The world will not spin off its axis. Nothing will change."
Although this musical debuted in 1996, I feel as though the author's words were practically prophesying 2016. What a year. For marginalized populations, particularly the LGBTQ community, everything has changed. It feels almost as if the world has spun off its axis.
Who could have possibly predicted Brexit? Or Pulse? Or Trump / Pence?
My son will start middle school soon. I have been dreading this for a while, as it seems that the mix of puberty and a shift in psycho-social development stages creates a perfect storm. Plus, society's method of grouping students by age for schooling, and isolating them on campuses only with each other really creates this vacuum in which kids have no perspective and no role models. It's a recipe for disaster. My son does musical theatre, and in the musical theatre community, "kids" typically refers to all of the youth in the production, and the youth tend to cling to each other. My son hangs out with the other kids in the shows, as well as with the adults. He learns with all of them. They do theatre games, they learn the music and dances, etc. Why can't school be like that? I understand why math class is taught in age groups, but most other subjects really have enough diversity that students of a variety of ages could learn together, but we don't do that. In this country, we don't even let them share the same physical space, so middle schoolers are caged up with other kids in this awkward stage, with only their teachers to model appropriate behavior.
But I digress....
I was already afraid for my son to enter middle school, but then I hear reports about middle school students targeting Mexicans with chants like "Build That Wall," and I hear about news reports of strangers telling gay people that Trump is going to put marriage back the way "God" wants it, and I am just so much more afraid.
Middle school is less than a year away. If you'd have asked me a year ago what November 2016 would look like, I could certainly not have guessed at the increase in fear.
I can only pray that the next year brings an unexpected peace. Trump ran on a campaign of completely bucking a system that he now has to find a way to work within. I can only hope that he will find himself so incredibly humbled by the difficulty of the tasks facing him that he has a huge change of heart. I can only hope that this unexpected turn of political events has awakened liberal-sympathizers enough to turn them from bystanders into true allies. Perhaps it takes the darkest night to really see the stars.
I met some of The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence tonight. First off... a word about how amazing these people are. They are drag nuns who do community service. I can't even believe that this is a thing. But I love love love it.
I asked one of the sisters, "What do you wish someone told you when you were a young gay kid?"
The answer was interesting. I had hoped for some sage words of wisdom and encouragement I could pass on to my kid, but instead I got a bittersweet piece of retrospective.
He (she? I am unclear on how to use pronouns for male cisgender drag people) said that he just wished he had role models. Adults who were where they are and know what they are going through and can give an image of hope for a positive life and future.
Why is this bittersweet? Okay, well, it didn't answer my question. But I love that my son does have gay role models in his life. Several of them, but most specifically a guy at church who volunteers teaching Sunday school and children's ministry. Rhett is a great guy who is young and fun and openly gay. Being gay is just a small percentage of who Rhett is in my son's eyes. In my son's eyes, Rhett tells better jokes than anyone he knows. Rhett throws himself completely into every game they play, even if it means eating 17 jalapenos, which somehow equals "hero" in the eyes of a little boy who cringes when pasta sauce is too spicy. Rhett sings well. Rhett is a good actor in the skits that they sometimes do in church. But my son also knows that this great Christian adult happens to be gay. He has met Rhett's boyfriend. And my son sees that his straight daddy is also best friends with Rhett, and that gives my son a lot of hope too. That he won't lose all his straight friends when he comes out to them. And that he will not have to choose between love and church. Because the two should never be mutually exclusive.
My son also does theatre. I hate to promote stereotypes, but some are true, and the gay male theatre stereotype is true. We have met many straight males. But it seems like over half of the men running theatre programs in our area are gay. And that's fantastic. My son sees gay couples at cast parties. And he sees Human Rights Campaign Equality stickers on practically every car in the parking lot. He knows his directors and choreographers and producers are gay. But mostly he just loves them because they are great artists. And my son wants to be an artist when he grows up. Not just a gay man.
But I know that we are so, so lucky. In a fairly large suburb (over 100,000 people) with something like 30 churches, we are one of only two churches I know of in town that truly welcomes full participation of gay members. That means that all the other little kids growing up in the other churches in my city do not have these role models. And I am certain that some of those kids are gay.
And the school district where we live is really conservative too. When you search for "gay straight alliance" on the schools websites, it seems like none of them have them. I have never seen a local GSA represented at any local PRIDE thing or gay community events, so I am pretty sure they don't exist. If there are gay teachers in the schools, no one knows about it. Heck, there are rarely male teachers in the schools. They are all older white females.
Little kids need gay role models. I hope that young gay men understand the importance of being involved in the community, and I hope that community organizations, YMCAs and Boys and Girls Clubs and churches and schools, understand the importance of supporting openly gay individuals. Because little kids NEED role models that remind them of themselves. They need people to show them that, even if they don't have classic cisgender heterosexual visions of a happy future, that it's okay. That happy and gay can be synonyms. They certainly aren't antonyms.
When I heard about what happened in Orlando last night, I almost couldn't think about it. I had to sort of look at it and then look away and not think about it.
When he was eight years old, already identifying as a part of the LGBTQ community, my son could not understand why it upset his grandfather to hear him identify as gay. I explained that his grandfather was just scared for him. This of course necessitated an explanation.
"Why would he be scared for me?"
"Because people sometimes really hate gay people. Like the way they used to hate Black people."
"Like Martin Luther King Jr.?"
"Yup."
"They killed him. Do people want to kill gay people?" How does a mother answer that question? In my opinion, one must tell the truth.
"Yes, some people do. There was a gay politician named Harvey Milk who fought for gay rights, and someone murdered him, just like Martin Luther King."
"Do people still want to kill gay people?"
"Um... yeah, some, but mostly it's getting a lot better. It's getting so much better."
Castro memorial - June 12
So how do I explain this???
I believed it when I said it. That it was getting better. I am an optimistic person. There is no way, two years ago, that I could have possibly known that the worst LGBTQ violence in our history was yet to come. And a man was arrested in Santa Monica on his way to LA Pride. And there is no evidence that the two were tied together in anyway. It's not one isolated incident of awfulness. It is evidence of a resurgence of hate.
Hate that could cost my son his life. It hurts. So. Bad.
We are pulse. As a mother, I know the fear. I know that all those victims have moms who have cried tears of fear that someday someone's illogical hate for their child, based on just who they love, would result in pain . And they probably have relaxed over the years and started to think, "It's okay. It's getting better. But here it is.
I love my son as who he is, and his trailblazing childhood confidence as an out gay kid has made me a better person. If I could pray a prayer and make him straight again, I would not ever do it.
I want so badly to just be 100% okay with my son being gay.
But I am never going to be okay with knowing that people want to kill my son just for who he is.
