Parenting my delightfully gay child through his elementary years has felt like steering a ship through uncharted waters. I have met plenty of parents of gay kids, but their kids came out in middle school or high school or as adults. We know a lot of gay teenagers, and my son has had some gay teenagers in his life as mentors, but he has not had peers.
This year, he started middle school, and finally, we feel like we are coming in to port, with some other ships on the horizon.
The middle school my son started at this year has a Gay Straight Alliance. The sixth graders eat lunch separately from the seventh and eighth graders, so unfortunately, the sixth grade club is not really established yet, but they have a lot of guidance from the sixth grade counsellor, whom my son is developing quite the bond with. The first day of the club, my son showed up, and there was only one other student there, Jack, a boy my son knows from band class.
“Well, at least now you know at least one other kid on campus who is also gay,” I pointed out, and my son, who is far more politically correct than I will ever be, reminds me, “Mom, I can’t make assumptions. He might just be an ally. Maybe he came because his parents are gay, or his older sibling is gay, or something like that.” I pointed out that even if that is true, it is nice to know a supportive friend on campus, regardless of the reason.
The next week was Halloween. Jack came to school dressed as a rainbow unicorn. “Do you think that means he is actually gay?” my son asked me. “I think it means he is gay and has a sense of humor too,” I replied. The next day, six people showed up to the GSA meeting. The six of them worked together to write an announcement for the morning announcements to encourage people to come to their club.
My son agreed to take notes and type them up to send to the teacher.
Being gay is just a tiny part of who my son is, but it is a part that made him feel completely different from everyone he knew for several years. I think now we see the light at the end of the tunnel.
They are making a Broadway musical of Dreamworks' movie The Prince of Egypt. It's in previews where we live before they attempt to bring it to Broadway. My son really wanted to go, so I took him last night. (Mind you, for those who have lost track, my delightful gay son is now 11).
Stephen Schwartz wrote new music for the musical, and in the middle of the first act, there is a scene where Moses tells Ramses that he is a Hebrew. Ramses first reaction is, "No one must know." My son leans over to me during this scene and whispers, "It's like his 'coming out of the closet' moment." I cannot tell you how profoundly this impacted me.
I don't know if this feeling was intentional or not, but it sure seems like it was. There is no Biblical evidence to suggest that Moses' adoption was a secret, so I doubt there was ever a real moment like this, which just leads me to think the directing parallel was intentional for the impact it would have on modern audience.
The song in the scene contributes all that much more. Ramses is singing, "I Will Make It Right," while Moses sings back to him a different song, "No Power on Earth."
There is so much about this that just strikes me as profound. Moses knows he is a Hebrew in his blood, and he cannot escape it, despite being raised in the Egyptian court. Just like gay kids raised in straight homes in heteronormative communities know it in their blood. They know that "no power on earth" could change it, as Ramses is singing about how he will make it right, about how they can hide it, when Moses so clearly knows it cannot be hidden. Ultimately, however, you see in Ramses that he just loves Moses. The stage is a raked stage on which director Scott Schwartz does something really interesting with this scene: he puts Moses' back to the audience, downstage, so we get 100% of Ramses reaction. It reminded me so much of my own reaction.
My son has not grown up with a lot of closets, but when he found words to describe a truth of his desires for his future, for me and my husband, our first reaction really was, "No one must know." We accepted our son, and it didn't change anything about how we viewed him, but there was so much fear for all it might mean, that our reactions were centered in fear.
I re-read the Biblical text today and thought about the idea of God-breathed scripture. If the story of the Exodus is not literal, which history suggests it is not, then it is, like the rest of scripture, a story God uses to teach us things. Among those things, in my mind, is the notion that some of us are born with differences that make us unique, different from the majority, different from the culture of power, and sometimes different from people we love. Sometimes it is possible to hide those differences. They are things that no one has to know. But people don't live their best lives when they live hiding those differences.
Is being gay a choice? No, not any more than Moses' Hebrew blood was a choice.
But is living gay a choice. Yes.
We all have a choice on how we live.
Psalm 139:13-14 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well."
As we find our awareness of our inmost being, we can live that life, or we can choose an easier life. Would a life of celibacy, or a life of faking heterosexuality be "easier" for a gay person? In some ways, probably. For a young person who will be kicked out of their house if they come out, then yes, I imagine keeping secrets is probably a little easier.
Moses chose to be the leader of the Hebrew people. It was not the easy path, by any means, but I think the lesson there is clear -- when you choose to be who you are, God honors that.
I would not. If you had asked me this three years ago, I might have a different answer, but as of today, I know for sure... I am so incredibly happy to have a gay son. I hate that the world doesn't see his value, but I love everything about him. I don't love him "in spite" of being gay, I love everything about who he is, and being gay is at the core fabric of who he is.
This post is inspired by three things. #1) Primarily, this TED talk.
I have read a lot of the research he is referring to, particularly the parts about pre-natal stress, and there are times that this has really gotten to me. I love my son dearly, and I truly wouldn't want him to be any other way, as it really is a key element of his personality, and there are parts of me that feel so frightened for him to grown up gay in this world today, and to think that my stress levels likely caused it.... yikes. I was a college student trying to finish my degree, so I was working part-time. The same month we found I out I was pregnant, my husband left his long-term job pastoring at a church (we left, ironically enough, over conflicts with their stance on homosexuality, as many parents in the church were angry that we had gay friends whom their children had met) in faith that God would provide a better situation, even though he didn't have one lined up. (And didn't find another good situation until I was 8 months pregnant). When I was 14 weeks along, my husband's only living grandmother, with whom he and I were both close, had a stroke. After 6 long painful weeks in hospice, she passed away. It was a really crappy time in our lives. We were broke. We were stressed. It was emotional. But I LOVE the part of this TedTalk where he says, "It's like the mother's body was saying, 'I need a kind and clever ally to help me hold this family together.'" What a perfect, perfect definition. My daughter is my sassy pants buddy. But my son... he is my kind and clever ally. Being a minister's wife is hard. My husband is busy with youth ministry a lot at night. Tonight, my son saw I was busy on the phone comforting his aunt who is undergoing some testing for her son who might have autism. So he made his own lunch and his sister's lunch for the next day, because my husband or I usually do that. He wants to help out. He is my kind and clever ally. He listens in on my conversations and eavesdrops (which drives me crazy half the time) because he wants to know what is going on with everyone because he just cares so much. Gosh I am lucky.... "nature" (a.k.a. GOD) sure is awesome.
#2) I've started watching The Real O'Neals.
The writers of this show really get it. The protagonist says all the things I have come to understand: he cannot change who he is. He still loves God. And that is not a paradox. And it is awesome. He doesn't want it any other way.
#3) Calendar Shopping
Every year, my husband sells these calendars at church that are nature pictures with bible verses. We end up buying a leftover as our calendar for our kitchen. I'm sick of it. I just don't want a Bible verse calendar. Too cliche. And my kitchen is more colorful than that. We are more colorful people. We are... edgy.
We didn't get a calendar as a gift this year, but there is a part of my wall that needs a calendar... and I wanted one that was US. Edgy. Colorful. Funny. Something that would make us smile. So, I looked up a bunch on amazon and was sitting at the table showing my husband. Of course my eavesdropping son wants in on it. He overhears my argument for the "Hot Dudes Reading" calendar, which he googled on his tablet, and then was like, "Yeah! Let's get that one." Even my six-year-old daughter was like, "Yes!" She is a big book nerd like me. And the boys are cute. My son made a quick plea for "Hot Guys and Baby Animals," but he vetoed it himself fairly quickly, "Oh no, some of the pictures are without shirts, and that isn't really appropriate for the kitchen." We were back to "Hot Dudes Reading," and my husband, who was arguing for a "We Live in a Beautiful World," exclaims, "Oh no, I am outnumbered here!" and he looks at the three of us. This was about more than the calendar. My son and daughter and I had a moment where we giggled and inside... I felt all warm and tingly. Haha.
While my husband and I continued to debate the few on the screen, my son giggles, "Haha, there's a 'Nuns Having Fun' calendar." Turns out that "Nuns Having Fun" tickled all of us. Okay, my daughter wasn't thrilled, but my husband and I both loved it. (The Hot Dudes Reading one is also mostly unavailable, so it is like $100. Ooops). And we are the ones who pay the bills around here, so, for the next 12 months, "Nuns Having Fun" will remind us what month we are in.
I adore my son and his quirky personality. I love everything about him.
(Incidentally... I have included links in this post, but I have not monetized this blog at all. I get no money if you click these links).
