If I could pray away the gay...

I would not.  If you had asked me this three years ago, I might have a different answer, but as of today, I know for sure...  I am so incredibly happy to have a gay son. I hate that the world doesn't see his value, but I love everything about him. I don't love him "in spite" of being gay, I love everything about who he is, and being gay is at the core fabric of who he is.

This post is inspired by three things.
#1) Primarily, this TED talk. 

I have read a lot of the research he is referring to, particularly the parts about pre-natal stress, and there are times that this has really gotten to me. I love my son dearly, and I truly wouldn't want him to be any other way, as it really is a key element of his personality, and there are parts of me that feel so frightened for him to grown up gay in this world today, and to think that my stress levels likely caused it.... yikes. I was a college student trying to finish my degree, so I was working part-time. The same month we found I out I was pregnant, my husband left his long-term job pastoring at a church (we left, ironically enough, over conflicts with their stance on homosexuality, as many parents in the church were angry that we had gay friends whom their children had met) in faith that God would provide a better situation, even though he didn't have one lined up. (And didn't find another good situation until I was 8 months pregnant). When I was 14 weeks along, my husband's only living grandmother, with whom he and I were both close, had a stroke. After 6 long painful weeks in hospice, she passed away. It was a really crappy time in our lives. We were broke. We were stressed. It was emotional. But I LOVE the part of this TedTalk where he says, "It's like the mother's body was saying, 'I need a kind and clever ally to help me hold this family together.'" What a perfect, perfect definition. My daughter is my sassy pants buddy. But my son... he is my kind and clever ally. Being a minister's wife is hard. My husband is busy with youth ministry a lot at night. Tonight, my son saw I was busy on the phone comforting his aunt who is undergoing some testing for her son who might have autism. So he made his own lunch and his sister's lunch for the next day, because my husband or I usually do that. He wants to help out. He is my kind and clever ally. He listens in on my conversations and eavesdrops (which drives me crazy half the time) because he wants to know what is going on with everyone because he just cares so much. Gosh I am lucky.... "nature" (a.k.a. GOD) sure is awesome.

#2) I've started watching The Real O'Neals. 

The writers of this show really get it. The protagonist says all the things I have come to understand: he cannot change who he is. He still loves God. And that is not a paradox. And it is awesome. He doesn't want it any other way. 

#3) Calendar Shopping 

Every year, my husband sells these calendars at church that are nature pictures with bible verses. We end up buying a leftover as our calendar for our kitchen. I'm sick of it. I just don't want a Bible verse calendar. Too cliche. And my kitchen is more colorful than that. We are more colorful people. We are... edgy.

We didn't get a calendar as a gift this year, but there is a part of my wall that needs a calendar... and I wanted one that was US. Edgy. Colorful. Funny. Something that would make us smile. So, I looked up a bunch on amazon and was sitting at the table showing my husband. Of course my eavesdropping son wants in on it. He overhears my argument for the "Hot Dudes Reading" calendar, which he googled on his tablet, and then was like, "Yeah! Let's get that one." Even my six-year-old daughter was like, "Yes!" She is a big book nerd like me. And the boys are cute. My son made a quick plea for "Hot Guys and Baby Animals," but he vetoed it himself fairly quickly, "Oh no, some of the pictures are without shirts, and that isn't really appropriate for the kitchen." We were back to "Hot Dudes Reading," and my husband, who was arguing for a "We Live in a Beautiful World," exclaims, "Oh no, I am outnumbered here!" and he looks at the three of us. This was about more than the calendar. My son and daughter and I had a moment where we giggled and inside... I felt all warm and tingly. Haha.

While my husband and I continued to debate the few on the screen, my son giggles, "Haha, there's a 'Nuns Having Fun' calendar." Turns out that "Nuns Having Fun" tickled all of us. Okay, my daughter wasn't thrilled, but my husband and I both loved it. (The Hot Dudes Reading one is also mostly unavailable, so it is like $100. Ooops). And we are the ones who pay the bills around here, so, for the next 12 months, "Nuns Having Fun" will remind us what month we are in.

I adore my son and his quirky personality. I love everything about him. 

(Incidentally... I have included links in this post, but I have not monetized this blog at all. I get no money if you click these links).