When you read stories about other people's families, and they talk about hurtful things their family members say about or to their kids, it is easy to think, "If that was my family, I'd put them in their place! I'd never let them say that kind of thing to my kid!"
But then it is your family, and it is your kid, and you realize how much more complicated it all is. But even a few words can do a lot of damage. My son is pretty secure in his gender identity, but he's always liked bling. A few years ago, when my son was 6 years old, we were out shopping together, and she asked for a plastic princess crown at a 99 cent store. I went ahead and bought it for her. We then went to pick up my son, and he was incredibly jealous. He wanted to know why I hadn't bought one for him too. He dwelled on it for several days until finally, I just went back and bought him one too. He was delighted. He wore it all over for several days. We went to dinner at my parents' house one night, and my dad made a comment about it.
"Why are you wearing a princess crown?" he asks, "You aren't a princess."
"I like it," my son said, very simply, as if that was enough, and it should have been.
"Dad, come on," I urged, "Let it go. He likes it, and he wanted it, so I let him have it. It's just a toy."
"But, like, he should wear a king's crown or something. He's a boy," my dad muttered.
That was that. He didn't take it further, and he didn't say it in an angry voice, and my son seemed to barely notice or care. But later than night, my son came in and handed me the crown.
"Here," he says, "You can take this back to the store or get rid of it. It makes grandpa sad."
My heart broke. I love my dad. I adore my dad. He is a great dad, and he really has never been a misogynist or anything. When I was growing up, he didn't care if I wanted to wear t-shirts and baseball caps, and he was glad I wanted to go fishing with him, and he pushed me to follow my dreams. He never acted like I should be prioritizing motherhood or childbirth (if anything, my mother pressed my buttons on that one) over my career and education. He wanted me to have the best education, and a great job, and it was always clear that he completely believed in me, and he wanted me to be a strong woman.
And he's not even a stereotypical macho guy. He is really artsy, and he didn't really play sports as a kid. From all of the stories I've heard about his childhood days in Boy Scouts, he basically hated all the roughing it, survival-type stuff. We glamped when I was a kid, and my mom is actually a little more rugged than he is. My dad also knows how to cook, perhaps better than my mom. I wasn't raised with stereotypes.
But there they were. Rearing their ugly head and hurting my son.
I didn't know what to do. I really didn't. Part of me wanted to call my dad and tell him that he needed to apologize and tell my son that it is absolutely fine to have a princess crown. But I know my dad doesn't really think that. And I can't make my dad someone else. Just like I can't make my son someone else. I don't think my dad has ever thought about his preconceived notions of what is appropriate for each gender, or why we have those notions, or where they come from, and how illogical they are. I am fairly certain that my dad, in his odd way, is trying to protect his grandson. My dad was made fun of for being small and for being artsy, and he knows how hard it can be to be that kid.
So, I didn't call my dad. I just let my son pick out a king's crown online and ordered it.
Years later, recently, my son was telling my dad one day, casually, "When I grow up, my husband and I are gonna...."
"Your husband?"
"Yeah. I want to marry a boy."
"What? How could you know that now? There is no way you could possibly know that now."
I wasn't there. So I don't know what happened after that, but I think it pretty much just dropped there. My son doesn't like confrontation, so he avoids it when he can. Several days later though, he told me about it, and he was pretty upset. "Why would grandpa say that? What does he mean I don't know that? Of course I know what I want!"
By now, my son is old enough to understand a lot more about people and life. So we had a good long talk about it and my husband and I explained. "Grandpa just doesn't understand. He is not gay, he is straight, and he has never had to think about this stuff. And he knows that he was a lot like you as a kid, and he liked acting and dancing, and people made fun of him for it, and they probably called him gay. He knows that he wasn't, and he probably is afraid that you are just somehow making this assumption based on what people have said about you or something. He's just worried that people will make fun of you and make your life harder. He loves you.
Of course, my son thought that it was ridiculous that he would be getting this idea from other people. But he understood that Grandpa loves him. Because Grandpa really does truly love him. He just doesn't understand.
But it hurts being in the middle. I love my dad. I don't want to hide things from my dad. I don't want to tell my dad what he can and can't say to my son. But I also really, really don't want to see my son hurt.
All I can do is believe that my dad's love for my son will prevail, and that he will grow to understand over time.
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