I am sure this is not a problem unique to raising a gay son.... but it puts a unique spin on it.
**** Context (for anyone new or who doesn't remember).... my gay son is 10 years old *****
There is a girl in my son's class who is frequently chasing him. I cannot believe that at 10 and 11 years old they are still engaging in this incredibly primitive form of flirting, but that's clearly what it is. This is really bothering my son. Earlier in the year, when she kept grabbing him and chasing him, he spit at her to get him to stop. He of course got in trouble for spitting at her, but didn't tell anyone that she wouldn't stop chasing him.
Girl keeps chasing him. I ask, "So, what if she 'catches' you? If you don't run, she can't chase you." He says she grabs him and holds onto him, and he hates it.... but of course he hasn't actually clearly said to her, "Leave me alone!" I ask why. He doesn't know. I think he is just trying so hard to fly below the radar.
He has been picked on in the past as being "gay," but he isn't flamboyanty "out" at school - he's only ten and he is on the shy side. I think perhaps he is afraid that if he seems uninterested in female affection people will figure out that he's gay? I don't know. It just seems that this element of his identity makes everything complicated. When a teenage girl at Broadway camp teased him once about having a crush on her, he freaked out. He didn't know what to do because he was afraid that denying it would = gay, but while doesn't want them to think he is gay, he doesn't want to just play along because, well, it's not true, and he doesn't want to be in the closet and hide either. That's not who he is. Sigh. He just makes this stuff so complicated. I've tried to explain teasing and flirting in the past and that it's just a normal part of life. It all frustrates him.
I finally just emailed the teacher tonight. Teacher is awesome and emailed me back right away. She and I both agree it is important my son learn to speak up when stuff is bothering him. I'm glad he feels safe at home, but he needs to find his own voice. He can't be relying on me in middle school, and he starts middle school next year.
My husband and I had a long talk with him tonight about growing up and flirting. Pretty much the next ten to twenty years of his life are going to involve a lot of giving of attention and receiving of attention, some of it physical, some of it in other forms. And it is important to know how to deal with it.
My husband is great. He knew just what to say, "Are there any boys you like?" There is. One. So my husband says, "What if it was him doing it? How would you feel then? What would you do?" My son blushes and says, "I'd kind of like it. I would probably grab him back." Exactly. How do we figure out who likes us and who doesn't? Flirting. But it is important to send clear signals. And my son does not send clear signals. He runs.
So, we explained the importance of saying "Stop. I do not like that. I don't want you to grab me. I don't want you to chase me. You need to leave me alone."
I think this is just a lesson more parents need to teach kids. I think we have all become so concerned with teaching our kids not to hurt other kids' feelings that we have forgotten to teach them that it's okay to say "Stop. I appreciate your attention, but it is unwanted attention right now, and I would like to be left alone."
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